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не спрашивайте почему этот пост на английском....ибо я сама не знаю)

I'm a fucking idiot....
What if she unexpectedly found my livejournal?! and read it?! 
she'd definitely say that I am sick and I should visit psychiatrist... well , she already mentioned it once. but anyways!

Hey, but honestly - maybe I am sick in some way?! at least I could found quite a few reasons to say so....
How long it has been going?! Quite a long time...and note- I AM STILL TALKING AND WRITING ABOUT THIS PROBLEM ALL THE TIME! (reason 1)

We had many fights...I have cried out the ocean of tears because of her, or moreover her words and attitude to me..she had been rude and sometimes even cruel in the way she talked to me, even if I deserved it, at some point....and what?! WHAT?! I still consider her as one of the most amazing and important person in my life!!! i still love her the way she is! even though I hate her attitude to me.  maybe I should not?! that's what I don't know.... ( we may consider that as reason 2 )

the last one is ridiculously stupid, but it is the way I think, sometimes...I honestly think that I deserved all this - her attitude to me. I deserved to hear all those words she said, all those actions she did, EVERYTHING! You'd ask me - WHY?! well, mostly coz I had put those pink glasses on my eyes, and nomatter what didn't want to take them off....I was pretending to be blind , somehow like - " there is a problem , but it of course can be figured out !" Maybe some problems can't be figured out!? Maybe there are no solutions to change the way how another person feels about you?! And the more you are burning your ass off, the more another person gets disappointed in you?!
Hell, who knows?! How would I ever know and guess that all my actions would finally bring us down here....where you don't want to see me, or talk to me. or even more- you wanna be as far from me as possible!
I do not respect myself. NOT AT ALL! which is stupid...I acted according to my knowledge and life experience. I acted as I felt like acting. Than why do I blame myself now ?! Why I am being so strict to myself?! Why- why -why?!
Isn't that stupid to ask those questions and require myself to find the answers?!
Wouldn't it be better to leave it the way it is and let the time figure it out for me?!
It certainly would, lol.
But it is stupid me who doesn't want to accept universal rules and tries to find her own way...against the stream, lol:)
I lost my count....there should be reasons 3, 4 and 5 somewhere up here.

well, the last reason -  this post. If I wasn't sick, would I ever write it?! lol

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